My heart is not in two places but torn in multiple directions. No, I don’t question God’s direction or call to go, just how I’m to be faithful? What does that look like in my messy life?
Yes, we have adult children and aging parents to keep in contact with by the available technology. The same technology that keeps us up to date on the heartbreaking news that continues to come out of Haiti. How can one balance all the pulls in different directions? I don’t even feel that I have enough energy to pray for the requests I have now without adding additional ones.
Yet I find myself learning a new culture and language. Putting in time and LOTS of mental energy into this new place, new transition.
How can I be healthy trying to stay in contact with Haitian friends and employees; grieving, wondering what the future holds for them and our ministry there. Now and then gathering enough courage to watch the latest video knowing it will drive my homesick heart to tears while at the same time knowing how small my pain and struggle is compared to our Haitian friends and family living moment to moment struggling greatly. Not knowing when we’ll get to return?
At the same time I am very conscious that new baby roots that are growing here in Zambia with each relationship starting, each new adjustment that makes the house feel a bit more like home, each new plant/tree planted, each new piece of knowledge putting a fingerprint on my life that will leave me changed forever. I need to celebrate with Cory the agricultural project potentials and dreams. I need to make a peaceful, safe home for Fritz to grow and learn. Not knowing what life will look like in the future? Where life will be? Expectations ?!? Where can I even begin?
Having a healthy balance feels impossible on the tight-wire of my life; it appears more like a mirage that always remains out of reach, shimmering temptingly in the distance but never nearer. Is there a way to divide my time, ministries, and life between three countries, two continents without having myself pulled apart? Those of you who have been in a similar place, how did you remain faithful? What helped or didn’t help? How did you keep your attitudes healthy in the middle of chaotic limbo?
Always I must remind myself to lift my eyes to my Hope that can ONLY be found in my dear Lord and Savior. Even if that balance point always remains out of reach I can still reach toward it knowing that He is my safety net should the winds of life blow me over. He will provide the strength and power to help me stand again and start the climb back up with HIs gentle prompting always moving forward toward Him. I’m changing, growing…and with HIM and that’s more than enough. Faithful may just mean doing the next thing well-even if only doing the dishes; saying Good morning in Tonga knowing that it will likely result in getting laughed at; reaching out by text or email to a friend asking how they are doing…thousands of different small steps keeping my eyes focused on Him.
Prayerfully, consistently, intentionally paying attention to my attitude so that I can try to make any needed adjustments.
I’m learning to step back and rest. Stop and sit in the pain and confusion a while. It’s OK. It’s refining me. I know empathy on a new level. My prayers flow with new levels and mixes of emotions. While my life is messy and hard, it is well in my soul. And I’m still looking for advice on how to do better!